Depression Discussion

I never had any intentions to post about my depression. But for some reason I feel like I need to: maybe there is someone out there who needs to hear this. I know it helped me knowing there were others dealing with this too.

I'm not a doctor, I'm not an expert, I still deal with depression, and I don't have all the answers. I don't need sympathy or pity, but understanding goes a long way. I deal with depression and that's all there is to it. It's just like having diabetes or ADD; it's just what it is.

Sometimes it's frustrating to me that alot of people don't understand what depression is. Some people express the opinion that "we just need to get over it," or it's just a few-day episode like the chicken pox. But that's the thing about depression, those who have it just can't "get over it", that's what makes it depression. For alot of people it's chronic, meaning that it's like diabetes where we have to deal with the effects every day, not just once in our lives.

There are different types of depression. Some experience one major depressive event in their lives. Others deal with it for a few weeks or months at a time intermittently throughout their lives. I don't know what mine would be classified as, but I call it "mine" because the feelings that come with it are specific to me. I know that not everyone with depression might feel the same things I do. I don't mean to detract or belittle anyone who has dealt with depression, this has just been my experience with it.

Looking back now I think there were times in my life, especially in later elementary and junior high, that I dealt with depression but didn't realize it. After getting married and dealing with a jerk of a boss it came to a head. I couldn't think straight, everything anyone said to me made me burst into tears, I felt like the whole world was against me, I felt worthless, like I couldn't do anything right. I was scared to talk and reach out to people. I would get up and not even feel awake. I went through the motions of going to work and class without having any emotion about anything.

I figured there was something up, but when you're in that state, it's hard to be pro-active and think rationally. So I just went on without doing anything about it. I started a summer internship at the student wellness center (2 summers ago) and while I was working on a presentation about depression it slammed me in the face that I had it. But I didn't know what to do about it, I was ashamed that I couldn't control what was going on in my own head. I hated the idea of the stigma people would put on me if they knew. I felt broken.

I was getting ready to graduate and life was looming in the distance and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I felt like a horrible wife because I would take all my frustration out on Chase which made me feel worse. Finally, after realizing that I couldn't fix this on my own, and at Chase's insistence, I talked to my parents. They were supportive and just talking to them helped me a lot. After that I went to the doctor and finally got some medication.

It's hard to deal with a sickness that's inside your head. It's hard to distinguish if what you're feeling is really you or the depression. I hated the idea of taking pills to "make me happy." I felt like I should be able to make myself happy. After countless blessings and support from Chase I felt better about taking them. And they worked. All of a sudden I felt like I could think through things again. I could take criticism without bawling, I wasn't offended, I could feel the Spirit again, I felt like talking to people again, my life had purpose and direction.

I still have to watch myself. There are days when I can feel it creeping back. But now that I can recognize it, it's easier to fend off. I still have "down days" occasionally but I can deal with them. If I'm tired or bored it seems to come back. Now, the medication is not what makes me happy, it gives me the ability to think clearly and rationally so I can make the decision to be happy.

The biggest lesson I learned from this all was how loved I am. By Chase, who was there and is there all the time; who took my bawling fits and irrational "tantrums". My parents who helped me get the help I needed, my in-laws for being supportive, and mostly Heavenly Father. Looking back now, I can see the help that He gave me along the way even though I didn't recognize it at the time.

So I guess I just wanted to get this out there, to let anyone know who's dealing with this that there is hope. There are people who understand, Heavenly Father understands and is there. You're not broken, just blessed with this particular trial. A trial that can be overcome.

EDIT: I just want to say that I am completely fine and happy. This all happened over two years ago and I just had the impression that someone out there needed to hear it. Thanks for the encouraging words, I appreciate it, but I really am OK and doing great!