The saying ,"enjoy the journey" keeps coming to mind as I anxiously await July. I just can't help feeling like when this baby is here I will feel so much better, I'll be able to walk without hurting, eat for enjoyment not wondering if I will lose it 10 minutes later. I'll have the energy to actually make my husband dinner and pack his lunches, I'll be able to handle taking Lauren outside for more than an hour a day. I'm having a hard time enjoying the journey, feeling guilty that I'm not enjoying it because it will never be like this again. I will never have just Lauren ever again.
I started to notice a trend with my depression medication, so I thought I'd experiment with it a little to see what happened. The thought occurred to me about a month ago that it might be my medication making me so sick, even though it didn't with Lauren. Someday I'd like to go off it, I'd been feeling good and felt like I had a handle on things so I decided to stop taking it to see what happened. And things got better, I was only sick a few days a week instead of every day. I was hopeful. But then I crashed. It happens so fast: the unprovoked anger and utter lack of motivation to do anything. I guess the good thing is that I can recognize when it's happening now.
So I started taking my medicine again. And I got sick again. Unfortunately, this kind of medicine is the safest for me to take while pregnant. And obviously I can't go more than a few days without taking it. So it's a lopsided toss up, do I feel sick all day everyday? Or do I deal with the depression? I'd rather deal with being sick all day than the helpless darkness. It's a frustrating situation; taking medicine I know is making me physically sick, but knowing it's preventing me from being mentally sick.
My doctor did give me Zofran, but I've noticed if I take it for more than a few days in a row it gives me bad headaches. And I'd rather be nauseous than have a headache. And it seems silly to take medicine that makes me sick, take medicine to not make me sick but gives me headaches so I have to take Tylenol. Sheesh.
So that's that. I have ten weeks left. Looking back, I've done six months, so I can do this. I have to do this. I'm grateful this little guy kicks constantly since it makes me remember why I'm sick and that it'll be worth it. I'm sorry to whine, sometimes all I need is a good venting to make me feel better about life.
But to say the least, July cannot come soon enough!
On a happier note, Lauren dressed up like Santa with her Batman sunglasses to cheer me up the other day. :)
3 comments:
I am so sorry Amy!
The medication thing is so frustrating :( You know I'm right next door and would love to help however I can.
Can Lauren come and play Friday morning?
We'd love to have her.
could you maybe try taking half of your dose? I don't know how your medication works but it might take the edge off of the nausea but still keep the depression at bay. I had much harder time with my second pregnancy too! I am not sure why but I did! Right from the beginning I prayed that he would be healthy but come early and that is how it happened for me! He came three weeks early and even healthier than baby #1! The thing that got me through the really hard days was remembering, often being reminded by my husband that Heavenly Father knows how much we can handle! You can make it! July is getting closer everyday!
I am sorry you are having such a rough time right now. Pregnancy is hard and the emotional tail spins that come with battling depression and hormones simultaneously has to be a yucky roller coaster. Be careful in stopping an antidepressant cold turkey, but you might also consider other options if the medication is increasing the nausea. You could try using essential oils to treat depression and morning sickness (Heart Song from Butterfly Express is a great one for depression) and you might also consider getting some support for yourself through a counseling option. The Family Life Center at USU is amazing (though I am certainly biased!). Their first session fee is only $5 and you get the benefit of working with second year MFT students who are supervised by their VERY experienced professors. Fees are assessed on a sliding fee scale and most of the time people are paying less than $15 per session (a STEAL!). You can do this and this sweet little guy will be worth it!!
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